Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
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Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.