[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
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Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace