I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
You Might Also Like
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Any refunds available?…
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Your secret is safeish with me
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Anyone really
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.