[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
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[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
We all have our pet causes.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.