You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
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Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
this is the best day of my life
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.