Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
never compromise your values
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back