Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
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A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
My brain is a bad influence on me
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?