When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
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God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Nice try, NASA
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!