Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Catering service
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.