Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Who’s your best friend?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)