God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Cake!!
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.