Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
*orders delivery*
OMG 🤣🤣
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.