Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.