That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation