I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
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The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles