Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I see your IQ test came back negative
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism