me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Just ordered me some pizza!
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”