Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.