synchronized noseblowing
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Just parrot things
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.