Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.