If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
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If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁