“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
no such thing as a dumb question
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I will never stop laughing at this
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Sponch
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM