I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
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Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Netflix: We have Less
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
shut up and take my money
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.