work smarter, not harder
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I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Left at a local drug store…
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call