I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
let’s discuss
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.