When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
classic mixup
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
shampoo implies shampee
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes