*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
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Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.