Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
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*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.