*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
We’ve come full circle
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
#have a #great #PancakeDay