I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
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i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.