Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Same post same
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel