Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
You Might Also Like
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
This trial is so absurd 😭
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.