[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
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Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Me trying to look natural in photos
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say