Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
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In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it