It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
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I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
😂 amazing answer
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My love language is hissing.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week