3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no