How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
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Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
incredible text to wake up to
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”