I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
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Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
car not found
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family