Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
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Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough