Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.