Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
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Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020