Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Only short people can save us
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Well, shit
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.