gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’ve been drinking.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.