My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
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We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.