I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
nothing saves money like being antisocial
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…