i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
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It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”