I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
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Today’s weather from Yorkshire
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
#polloftheday
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
(2022)
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
✌🏽
RT if you could go either way.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.