When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads