my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
You Might Also Like
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Ken is short for chicken
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by