I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
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Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?